


Small Lies

by crackdkettle



Series: Small Lies & Truths [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Insecure Steve Rogers, Insecurity, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Misunderstandings, Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, reassurance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:53:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23903425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackdkettle/pseuds/crackdkettle
Summary: When Bucky discovers post-serum Steve isn’t a permanent change, but instead a short-term emotionally-triggered transformation similar to the Hulk, he has several questions and concerns. Steve, predictably, would rather not deal with any of them.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Small Lies & Truths [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1887553
Comments: 20
Kudos: 207





	Small Lies

“The _hell_?”

“What’s wrong?” Steve mumbles.

“I don’t want you to panic,” says Bucky, desperately trying to keep his voice even enough to conceal that that’s exactly what he’s doing.

Steve’s eyes instantly open.

“Well that’s not alarm— oh.” His gaze has drifted down to his own shrunken chest. “Fuck.”

“You’re… not surprised,” Bucky realizes. He frowns down at Steve, now once again in the short, scrawny, sickly body that Bucky knows at least as well as his own and far better than the artificially perfected one he made love to last night. “This has happened before?”

“Never around other people,” says Steve ruefully.

“Okay,” says Bucky slowly. “You want to tell me what’s going on, Steve?”

Steve’s expression makes it clear he definitely doesn’t want to do that, but he runs a bony hand through his hair and says, “Okay, so, uh, you know how Bruce changes when he’s angry?”

“Yeah…”

“Same basic principle.”

“You only turn into Captain America when you’re angry?”

Steve shrugs.

“I don’t know what triggers it.” His voice is just casual enough that Bucky is certain he’s lying, but he wants more information and Steve will lock up tighter than a Hydra base if Bucky pushes him too much.

“How many times has this happened?”

“Not many,” says Steve. “Once during the war, shortly after I rescued you in Austria, but I didn’t have a lot of time to investigate before a battle broke out and I was back to being, you know, the other way. It never happened again, so I started to think I dreamed it. Then it happened a couple times in DC, but always briefly.”

“So you’re the other way most of the time,” Bucky clarifies.

Steve nods.

“So for all you know, that’s your normal state now, and there’s something that triggers” — he waves a hand to indicate Steve’s general being — “this.”

“No, I don’t think that’s it.” Steve’s voice again contains that false-casual note that tells Bucky he definitely knows more than he’s letting on.

“Why not?” He has to fight hard to keep any hint of accusation out of the question.

Steve half winces and starts to reach for Bucky, but stops short and abruptly pulls back just before he actually touches him.

“First of all, we’ve never done anything I didn’t want to do.”

Bucky turns cold.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I know this is my default state because when I’m... like this, my memories of being, uh, the other way are… hazy.”

Bucky actually feels it as the blood drains out of his face.

“But you—” he tastes bile in the back of his throat— “you were like that when— when—” _when I was inside you, when I was inside you, when I was inside you, holy fucking_ **_Christ._**

Steve again reaches out to him, and again pulls back just before making actual contact.

“This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Why, because you didn’t want me to know I’ve been—”

“I said we’ve never done anything I didn’t want to do, remember?”

“Do you even know what we’ve done?”

“You want me to write you a field report?” Steve snaps. “I said _hazy_ , not _blank_. I am aware when I’m like that.”

“You think.”

“Yes, I think. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve shrunk, so yes, all of this is supposition. But I’m not just guessing you weren’t taking advantage of me: I know you weren’t.”

“Bruce always talks about Hulk like he’s a separate entity, so you can see—”

“I’m not Bruce,” says Steve firmly. “We never did anything while I was in that body that I wouldn’t want to do in this one.” He stumbles a little over the last few words, flushing deeply and averting his gaze.

_Then why won’t you touch me?_

Steve’s phone starts buzzing before Bucky can work up the courage to ask the question aloud. Steve turns his back on him to retrieve it, and Bucky can count every bump in his spine. He feels a sudden pang that has nothing to do with the conversation.

“Nat,” Steve mutters. “Gotta be on the jet in ten minutes.” He glances over his shoulder to meet Bucky’s eyes. “We’ll talk about this later?”

Bucky gives a curt nod.

“So long as you look like this when we do.”

Steve doesn’t answer, just untangles himself from the bedsheets and starts collecting the pieces of his uniform scattered around the room. Bucky watches him for a moment before following suit. His vision is obscured as he pulls on his undershirt, and in those few seconds Steve transforms back into the tall, perfectly-muscled Captain America.

“You good?” the Captain asks when he notices Bucky staring, and Bucky feels another wave of nausea.

He gives a noncommittal grunt.

“You can sit this one out if you need time to process,” says the Captain. He reaches out and clasps Bucky’s shoulder — a casual, easy, purely _friendly_ gesture he’s done ten thousand times before the war and a thousand times since — and Bucky flinches and jerks away like he just had a knife driven into him.

It’s far too violent a reaction to simply brush off. They both freeze, staring at each other. The Captain looks completely stricken.

“I’m good,” Bucky growls finally, resolutely ignoring any stabs of guilt. “Let’s go.”

“Okay.” With what looks like great effort, the Captain turns toward the door, but he pauses again when he touches the handle. “Don’t tell the others,” he says to the door.

Bucky’s left arm whirrs and clanks as his hand clenches into a deadly fist.

“Please?” the Captain adds softly, and the vulnerability in his voice almost makes Bucky forget for a moment that this man isn’t his Steve.

Almost.

“Course,” he mumbles.

The Captain nods once and opens the door.

\-----

“Are we ever going to talk about it?”

It’s been a week and the Captain — Bucky adamantly thinks of him as _the Captain_ — still hasn’t changed back into Steve. He also hasn’t tried to touch Bucky since that disastrous first morning, but despite that they’ve been more or less able to successfully fake normalcy in front of the others. Enough that no one, not even Sam or Natasha, has asked them what’s going on, anyway, which Bucky considers a minor miracle. It helps that they’ve been on the job most of the week and haven’t had much downtime. They’re also still sharing a room, because one of them moving out will definitely prompt questions from the rest of the team that neither of them wants to answer, but they’ve been sleeping as far apart as the king-sized bed allows (Bucky suspects they’re both keeping off the couch out of pure stubbornness).

The Captain has emerged from the bathroom, where they’ve both been changing all week, clad in an undershirt and blue flannel pajama pants. His piercing blue eyes bore into Bucky, waiting for his answer.

“Are you ever going to change back into him?” Bucky challenges.

“‘Him’,” the Captain echoes. “Is that what this is about? You don’t think of me as the same person?”

“You’re not the same person. Bruce says—”

“I shouldn’t have used Bruce as an example.”

“ _You_ didn’t.”

“That’s not fair. I’m still me.”

“That’s not how he made it sound last week,” Bucky points out. “It’s not how he acted, either.”

“What does that mean? What exactly did he— did _I_ do that—”

“It’s not what he did, it’s what he didn’t do,” Bucky growls. “We — _you_ and me — had sex. For the first time since Project Rebirth. Then you changed into him. And _he_ wouldn’t touch me. Don’t think I’m just gonna forget that.”

The Captain’s expression rapidly flickers through several emotions, confusion primary among them, but at last settles into something like relieved understanding.

“You think he — _I_ — you think I reverted to my default state because I regretted having sex with you.” It’s a statement, with just the slightest interrogatory note. “That’s why you haven’t let me touch you since I changed back.”

“I think I can be forgiven for not wanting to violate a boundary set by your primary personality, however blasé this one is about it,” says Bucky acerbically.

The Captain comes and sits carefully beside Bucky on the bed, far enough away that there’s no danger of them accidentally touching, but still too close for Bucky to feel entirely comfortable.

“I told you we didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do,” says the Captain softly. “ _He_ told you that, if that’s how you have to think of it.”

“Yeah, well actions speak a little louder than words, Cap.” Bucky forces himself to look at him.

“Buck…” the Captain shakes his head, eyes filled with wonder…

...and then he falls back on the bed, seizes once, twice... Bucky reaches for him but then pulls back as he sees his body shrinking, reshaping, until finally…

Steve sits up slowly, panting a little.

“I lied,” he gasps as his breathing evens out.

“I know,” says Bucky flatly.

“No, you don’t,” says Steve firmly. “I _never_ lied about that. I lied about not knowing what triggers the change.”

“You…?” Bucky frowns at him, thrown.

“I didn’t want to tell you because it’s… well, embarrassing, frankly, and I hate that it’s true.”

“Steve, you—”

“Fear,” says Steve staunchly over him. “I turn into Captain America when I’m afraid. And I don’t turn back until I feel absolutely safe.”

“Fear?” Bucky echoes, and feels a fresh wave of nausea. “So I was right. Because you were like that when we—”

“No!” says Steve firmly. “Buck. Please believe me. I wouldn’t look like this if I didn’t feel safe with you.” His hand twitches, reaches toward Bucky’s thigh and stops short. “I couldn’t.”

And that’s when it hits Bucky.

“It’s not that you didn’t want to touch me,” he murmurs, half relieved, half appalled. “You thought I wouldn’t want you to. When you look like this.”

He hadn’t been afraid of Bucky. He’d been afraid of Bucky’s _rejection_. It’d be devastating if the alternative weren’t so horrifying.

“The two bodies hardly compare,” says Steve with a small, self-deprecating smile.

Bucky lunges forward and captures Steve’s mouth with his own. Steve gives a startled squeak that quickly turns into a whimper as Bucky licks into his mouth. Bucky hauls him into his lap and Steve goes easily, all ninety-five pounds of him fitting perfectly, just like he used to. Bucky cups the back of his head with his metal left hand to hold it steady, while his right gently feels every familiar boney vertebrae and silently counts each exposed rib. He’s lightheaded, giddy. This is _his_ Steve, and he’s even more perfect than Bucky remembers. It’s intoxicating. At last Bucky finally, _finally_ forces himself to pull back.

“You’re right,” he growls. “They don’t compare. This one is ten thousand times more beautiful.”

“Bucky.” Steve shakes his head, that shy smile playing on his delightfully red and kiss-swollen lips again. “That is objectively untrue.”

“Agree to disagree,” says Bucky, and can’t help punctuating the statement with a kiss. “This body is you.” Another kiss. “I’ve wanted you, in this body, since I was sixteen.” And another. “I’ve been in love with you, in this body, since before I knew what that meant, and long before the idea of Project Rebirth or Captain American had entered any scientist’s or politician’s head.” Yet another kiss, this time a bit more lingering than he intended. “And that makes this body more beautiful than anything any serum could ever produce. All right?”

Steve looks speechless, his eyes filled with a wondering awe. Bucky recalls the same expression on the Captain’s face and thinks that maybe, just maybe, the two men are not as disparate as he assumed.

Then Steve takes his face in his bony hands, and as Bucky tilts his head up to meet Steve’s searing kiss, he decides that whether they are the same man or not, he will still only make love to the one he knows better than he’s ever known himself, the one that has always belonged to him.


End file.
